It’s been difficult motivating myself to do things recently.
I told myself to take the rest of the year off, and wait until next year to start working on art and all that stuff again, but here I am, listening to classical meditation music gearing up to watch a few digital tutorial videos and begin more trial and error.
To read countless PDF files and lament over how a picture doesn’t look “perfect.”
To needlessly compare myself to people that may have or are currently going through the same artistic crisis but who’s art style I value more than my own.
It’s tough really, noticing these things and wanting to break away from this self-defeating ideation, and yet, with the drive and conviction to do so, I have not moved from the damp, dark place, at the bottom of this well.
A deep dark well, full of emotions that torment me.
On the bright side, I am moving forward, at least far along enough to say that. I have a few projects underway and hopefully, with all that’s left in the year and the beginning of next, the “Hyper Creative Method” will serve me well.
I had a few video chats with people two nights ago, catching up with individuals and talking about our places in life. Truly, the majority of people my age are all in relationships, working their 9-5 and going where the road takes them. Few have greater ambitions and while I stay on this solitary road of singledom, I feel if I can make it through there will be a light at the end of this lonely tunnel, a light that won’t lead to my inevitable doom- but instead, perhaps, to the arms of a willing lover.
That or I can continue to fantasize repeatedly and just go meet people from the internet and enjoy a life of adventure while I still have it.
The next endeavor or, social paradigm that I feel myself entering is “nerd culture.” Not to say that I wasn’t there, but to the extent of more midnight events, conventions, youtube videos and terms that I don’t quite fully understand yet, but am a bit more than willing to repeat in my own vernacular.
In my observation I see that nerd and geek culture entails a lot of consumerism. The buying and collecting of things not necessary in order to fill a void or just occupy time in ones life, maybe so that the ills of reality don’t set their gloomy gaze upon the eyes of one so entranced in a fantasy world.
I don’t want to buy games at full price as soon as they release, (Save Pokemon and Elder Scrolls Games) and I don’t want to go console hunting and comparing. I’m al for meeting new people but I don’t want to subscribe to the ludicrous amounts of spending that I see being reflected in the many lives that I am currently viewing.
I feel as if I am a man that holds the adage, “the less you own the more freedom you have,” dear to my heart.
That being said I have collected a few things, Manga, Final Fantasy Games, and Pokemon Games, but not, TOO Much.
I don’t have Model Figures, Plushies, Fan Art Work I haven’t made myself, etc. I don’t want to be lost in my collecting and fantasy, working a 9-5 and forgetting about my own ambitions, replacing it with the praise or chastising of others reaching their goals. I don’t want to spend my time watching television shows, more than I spend my time writing scripts and drawing. I don’t want to play video games more for the game itself than I do for inspiration.
With that said I want to be able to relax and enjoy my life yes, I just don’t want to wonder where all my money and time has gone, and why I haven’t made any progress on things I’ve set out to accomplish when I was say, 16…. even if I’ve made negligible progress on said things to this date, lol.
At the end of the day I will take this ranting out of text form and begin using my words. I may even create another blog and all that jazz, but we’ll see. We shall see indeed. Right now, I want to shut my brain off, or leave it on auto-pilot for a few more months before the gears really start turning and I’m knee deep in duties that I feel as if I must accomplish.
Hmm Hmm Hmm Hmm Hmm…
I think that’s it.